I think it was all of these things to some degree.
But some of the thoughts that crossed my mind surprised me. And I found it much more difficult than I expected. In fact I think it's probably the hardest performances I've ever done.
Day 1 10:00am
At the very beginning when I settled into the room I felt fairly calm. It seemed an opportunity to collect my thoughts, think about particular plans I had for the next few months and further into the future. From where I was I could see a sliver of window behind a curtain and therefore see when the sun rose and set. I could also faintly hear the activities, TV watching and muffled conversation of the owner of the gallery, who lived upstairs. Once the sun went down I began to panic. It became very very cold, and I calculated that I still had at least 48 hours to spend in the room and it already felt like I'd been there for ages. I paced around a lot, walked in circles, tried to break down numbers into smaller increments of time that made sense. Where at first I'd thought this would be a scenario I'd have some degree of control over, I began to feel that it was entirely unpredictable. Without surrounding people or objects, without context, was I entirely unsubstantial? I found it difficult to sleep because of the cold, uncomfortable floor and curled myself up completely under the blanket. Every time I'd nod off I would wake up feverishly within a short time, and it felt like the night lasted forever. Sometime around when the sun came up I slept and had a dream in which I was on a beach covered with tiger snakes. I grabbed one by the head, and killed it by sinking my fingernails through its head.
Day 2
Waking up I felt, at first refreshed. I thought for some time about people who lived for long periods in prison, or in institutions. Where everyday they would wake up and see walls that didn't belong to them. I began to daydream about food, meals I'd eaten and meals that I wanted to eat. In the afternoon I fell asleep heavily and slept for what felt like a while. During this time I dreamt of eating soft boiled eggs and toast with honey on it. I spent a lot of time staring into space, staring at the walls and the floor. I felt agitated, impatient and depressed. The room smelt more and more of urine because of the fact that I'd been pissing in a bucket and gotten some on my clothing. Noticing there was a brick loose in the wall, I pulled it out and placed it in the middle of the room. Sometimes when I glanced at it, it seemed to have features, or be alive. As it got later I became more and more hungry and it was difficult to focus on anything other than food. I struggled to fall asleep because of intense stomach cramps, but when I finally did, I slept longer and deeper than the night before. I dreamt that I was in the apartment of Holly Golightly (Audrey Hepburn) in the film Breakfast at Tiffany's. She was wearing a trench coat, my mother was there too and a man that I didn't recognise. We were drinking champagne, smoking cigarettes and enjoying ourselves.
Day 3
I woke up feeling somewhat better. My stomach no longer hurt. Occasionally I got the impression that I would faint, the air in front of my eyes was crackly. I felt more meditative and calm than the previous day. I realised that when I sat beneath one of the light globes on the ceiling that it would reflect in the glass of water I was holding. I began pouring pools of water onto the floor and the light globe reflected in them looking somewhat like the moon reflected in a lake. I stared at this for a long time and it was soothing. I lay down under the blanket for a while. It felt like a pink, soothing sanctuary. A womb. I began to think of leaving the room which made me feel relieved but also anxious. When it began to grow dimmer outside, I decided the performance was over, got up and turned the webcam off. It was 4:30pm.
Many thanks to Jason of The Owl and the Pussycat Gallery in Richmond for allowing me to undertake this work there, as well as to all of you who watched online.
